Ben Tweed's Old Flames

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Ben Tweed's romance life is as whirlwind as it is hilarious. For years Ben has shamelessly pursued woman almost as blatantly as a genuine Alta Mater Posse- Schmuse. When news came of Ben Tweed's Old Flames, Joey's Old Flame Epic was immediately dethroned as the most interesting romantic saga of the ages (eclipsing even the fictional Bradley's 7 Deadly Flames). Full of love, betrayal, and redemption, Ben's saga is one of the great romantic comedies of all time.

Here is the unabridged version of the Ben Tweed Old Flame Reference Packet in its entirety. Discovered by Swiss Merchants, it is a tome of tomes, in full Technicolor.

Note: In some cases, names have been removed to protect the innocent.


Ben's Old Flames

Prehistoric Era


- Timeline: Preschool to 2nd.

Attended Carolina Friends School and lived next door, so she was the only girl I had any access to at all at that time, so I decided I should have a crush on her. So I did. Not sure why.


- Timeline: Kindergarden to 2nd Grade.

Attended CFS. Again, I only had a crush on her because I decided I should. It tapered off rather unspectacularly.


- Timeline: 1st Grade.

Attended CFS. I just remember randomly having a crush on her one day. OF #3 is perhaps the most inexplicable of all the Old Flames. She hated me.



- Timeline: 4th Through 7th Grade, and some 8th

Ah, Ellie. She is without question the crown jewel of Ben Tweed's Stupid Deeds. I somehow managed to go through 3rd grade without falling for her. How exactly I did this is a mystery considering what followed it—5 years of unquestioned devotion through thick and thin, even after it became clear she would only see me dead. She is definitely the modern face that launched a thousand ships/epic blunders—the Skate Party, the Casper War, the Depression, the MIDB—damn, those were the days. The whole agglomeration of affairs was of such biblical proportions that the girl gets her own era.

Anna (OF#4.5)

- Timeline: 4th Grade

Ellie's best friend. Basically liked her for one reason and one reason only--somehow I thought she looked like Elektra King.


- Timeline: 7th grade and a little bit of 8th

A nice girl. It's easy to see why I liked her—but I guess I came off as too overbearing and weird, especially after I voice-command-dialed her home number in front of her by name. Needless to say, nothing came of it.

Awakening Era


- Timeline: Summer of 7th Grade

This is widely held among Ben Tweed to be his awakening to matters romantic. A kiss behind the main camp building launched him on a romance/scandal of epic proportions involving another girl as well which is too complicated to mention. Suffice it to say it was his baptism of fire for matters to come.

Post- Awakening Era


- Timeline: 8th Grade

This was a brief and final return to the days of old for me—you know, get a humongous crush on her for absolutely no reason, continue fawning after her while doing a downright crappy job of concealing it, and then finally ask her out and get DE-stroyed. A complete bitch. And ruthless, too.


- Timeline: 8th Grade

My first girlfriend, even if in name only. I first met her at a concert in early 2005 at which we both performed, and we exchanged SNs. Over the next few months, we IMed each other repeatedly, until on April 4, we ended up declaring our then-undying love for each other. As soon as I returned from Florida, which was where I was at the time, we immediately went on two dates—and that was it. All of a month later, she apparently decided that 20 minutes driving distance (she lived in Freeport) was too far for us to have a relationship and told this to her best friend over IM, who told me this over IM as well. Lame-o. This is made even worse by the fact that she never made any effort to contact me ever at all ever (I even initiated all convos when we were together).


- Timeline: Summer after 8th Grade

The story goes something like this. It is one year after the events of OF#6. I have returned to the camp. At the first dance, I ask this incredibly hot girl, who looks at least 14, to dance. During this, she lets it slip that she's 12. Oh Shit! says my brain, but the rest of me keeps on going. I follow her around, puppy like, until about 5 days later when she yells at me to go away. This, as you may have guessed from my previous adventures…I promptly refused to do. Instead, I began to act more like a stalker than I ever had before, even in the days of the Zire and the MIDB, always wearing my fisherman's hat and hooded sweatshirts so (at least under ideal circumstances) my face could not be seen. Exactly how this ended is lost in the mists of memory, but all evidence points to one fact. It did so—wait for it—in flames.


- Timeline: Summer after 8th Grade

Summer after 8th grade to just before 9th grade/Post-Awakening Era—OF#8's best friend. Pretty much ever since I met OF#8, OF#10 and I had been having marathon phone conversations. This led to one obvious (at least to me) conclusion—OMGOMGOMG teh ask her outt!!!!1 So, as soon as I returned from camp fresh from defeat at the hands of OF#9, I asked her if she wanted to go sailing with me. She said sure. Poor sap. I immediately began a poorly conceived, poorly planned, and poorly executed seduction attempt. Needless to say, she let me down gently, and we remained friends until late January 2006—or, as the crux event is known to formal scholars of Tweed, the Philadelphia Incident.


- Timeline: 9th Grade

Now how in the hell am I supposed to explain this one? I don't know, but I'll damn well try. So she was this fairly hot senior in the Theater Company with me. I just randomly began getting close to her, hugging her etc. No idea why or how she tolerated this, but she did so for quite some time and evidently enjoyed it—until she did eventually tell me to back off.

Enlightenment Era


- Timeline: 9th Grade

If OF#4 is the crown jewel of Ben Tweed's Stupid Deeds (and she is, believe you me), then OF#12 is the crown jewel of Stuff Ben Tweed Did Right [Somehow, But I Have No Idea So Don't Ask]. She took a peculiar liking to me and so we went to a play together and ended up quite firmly entwined with each other. After this, it became progressively clearer that she wanted me, until 14/9/05…let's just say, first base. We did that a few more times but then we just couldn't do any more clandestine meetings. From there it only got worse, partly due to the fact that she was a senior and would shortly be leaving for college. Finally, I guess you'd say we just gave up (I was a wreck for the next 1.5 months). I hate her mom.

Post-Enlightenment Era


- Timeline: Musical (most of spring of 9th grade)

I saw her during auditions for Brigadoon, thought she was hot. She hugged me @ lunch one day, so I thought, wow, this actually might get somewhere! So, about all the time in the musical I was following her around, never noticing that she didn't exactly like me that way. This went on, until 20 minutes prior to curtain on opening night, she gave me the worst rejection ever—a fist to the sternum that sent me flying into the bar set. And that was the end of that.


- Timeline: End of 9th grade to sometime around the 2nd week of July, 2006

Ever since the end of OF#12, I’d had a bit of a crush on this girl, which only got bigger while I was away on my many early-summer vacations. So, sometime in the 2nd week of July, I decided that I really didn’t have anything to lose, so I asked her out to POTC:DMC. She handed down the most tactful and considerate—in fact, I would dare say, probably the best—rejection I have ever received, citing the facts that she would feel bad setting me up for another fall (as she would be a senior that year) and it would just feel weird having a boyfriend the same age as her brother. We’ve remained friends ever since.


- Timeline: First 3 weeks of July 2006

Towards the end of 9th grade, I had become better friends with this girl. For most of the first 3 weeks of July, we went around biking a LOT—and for some reason, this resulted in a huge increase in sexual tension between us (which wasn’t helped by this one time where she needed me to carry her over some mud b/c she was barefoot and immediately leaped on to the front of me so that it was kind of like a piggy back ride except it was a piggy front ride—sketchy, eh?). Finally, the very day after I was gently let down by OF#14, those tensions came to a head in the darkness of a gazebo outside a contra dance in what was actually pretty much a makeout session minus the kissing. During that, she made it clear she—I’m quoting here—“liked it, but liked [me] too much to like it”. Unfortunate.

The Golden Age


- Timeline: Mid-September 2006 to mid-May 2006

It all started during a late-night phone call with OF#15 in mid-September in which I was bitching about how I had gotten used to feeling wanted while I was with OF#12, and then the best possible thing happened—she laid down the least cryptic clue possible about someone who had liked me ever since Brigadoon. So I did the obvious thing—asked if she was going to the football game, and went with her and OF#13 (who was her best friend). So we hit it off pretty well, and I did end up going on a date with just her two weeks later. That was a success. So we went out for about 7 ½ months, passionately in love for about 6 ½ of them, until she suddenly became more distant. The end came on Wednesday, May 16, 2007—she confirmed what I had already known—she just didn't feel that way anymore. But we're still friends, which is good. The hilarious part is that Bradley walked by and thought she'd just told me she was pregnant.

Appendix A: Category 2 Old Flames

These are girls who I just had a crush on for a short while.

C2OF#1 (Alexa): A tiny bit of 7th grade

Apparently, a year or two ago they busted her w/some pot and she moved to Florida. So I won't be seeing her again.

C2OF#2 (Tessa): A tiny bit of 7th grade

Note: Last sighting was December 2006 at a short film festival at the SPACE gallery by myself and Joe Horgan.

C2OF#3 (Rachael): All State 2006

Possibly one of my more hilarious epic phails. I took a liking to her that weekend and then on the final night proceeded to pretend to fall asleep on her shoulder. That did not, as you may have guessed, work out so very well.

Appendix B: Category 3 Old Flames

These are girls who I never really got to know, but ones that I had crushes on for periods ranging from just a few hours to 1 or 2 days. They mostly occurred during the Prehistoric and ERC Eras, and boy did they happen a lot. At last estimate (5 years ago) they most likely numbered between 25 and 60, but (very unlikely) could have run as high as 100. Needless to say, I won’t mention any of them by name.

Appendix C: Reverse Old Flames

These are girls who liked me but either the feeling wasn't mutual or I didn't realize until it was too late.


Timeline: Post-Awakening Era (Last few months of 8th grade)

In hindsight, it was pathetically obvious how much she liked me. Unfortunately, I was really, really preoccupied (with the prospect that I was going to go to Falmouth and OFs 7 & 8). The extent of her attempts to make the fact known are recorded in the Boat Dance Narrative (to be added sometime soon).


Timeline: Post-Enlightenment Era (Summer after 9th grade)

The only person to ever stalk me. Unfortunate that she had to be the only one, because she was really, really creepy. She also insisted that she never stalked me, and in the end, played the guilt card extremely heavily, to no avail. Kind of exactly like how I do it, in a weird way.

Appendix D: Eras

Here are the definitions for the various eras mentioned.

Prehistoric Era

Birth until 2nd grade, so called due to the complete lack of any kind of real records.


4th grade until sometime either in 7th or 8th grade. The time of OF#4. The exact end is hazy due in part to the on and off nature of my feelings towards her as well as OF#5 and the C2OFs.

Awakening Era

3 weeks in the summer after 7th grade, so called because this is my awakening to having a GF (I.E, OF#6)

Post-Awakening Era

8th grade until the start of 9th. Defined by the 2 transitions taking place at this time—the transition from Waynflete to Falmouth, and the transition of my idea of girls and what it meant to like them/what could come of it. The OFs of this period are characterized by me going increasingly farther with each successive OF, kind of testing my abilities until OF#12.

Enlightenment Era

Most of 9th grade. This was when I realized that not only had I had a GF, I could continue to do so by actually seeking them out/there were actually some who wouldn’t end up fleeing in fright (I.E. OF#12).

Post-Enlightenment Era

End of 9th grade-October 2006. This era consisted mainly of me trying to return to the glory days of the previous era, with little success, until the wonderful arrival on the scene of OF#16, and with her, the Golden Age.

Golden Age

October 2006 to mid-May 2007. This was the true apex (thus far) of my romantic life, being comprised of my relationship with OF#16. It allowed me to be amazingly awesome throughout its duration. Its end left me in tatters and searching for a new beginning...

The Search For A New Beginning

Mid-May 2007-present. Ec-friggin'-zactly what it sounds like.

Appendix E: The Quotable Ben Tweed's Old Flames


"I'd like to, but I have Pilates."--Are you sure you weren't going to focus on your studies or something?


“That was an interesting letter you sent Karin.”--The scandalous chickens coming home to roost


Ben: “Hi Lydia, this is Ben, and I was wondering if—” Lydia: “Sorry, I’m busy.” Ben: “I just wanted to—” Lydia: “I said I was busy.” Ben: “…” Lydia: “Goodbye.” *click* --The worst rejection ever


“x oc17 x (10:35:29 PM): well, I'm not sure, either...I mean, if you have a girlfriend, then I'm not sure that it should be a date... trekker104 (10:35:37 PM): well, you're it. trekker104 (10:35:53 PM): i guess x oc17 x (10:35:54 PM): me? seriously? x oc17 x (10:36:51 PM): lol, it'd be nice if you told me, first. But, I don't have a problem with it ((if that's what you're talking about))”--How not to ask someone out


“Wait—I’m not a whore!”—Presented in the midst of copious evidence to the contrary, which has only accumulated ever since


"Beautiful, aren't they--the stars, I mean."--Likely apocryphal, but if not, the cheesiest quote I've ever been subjected to.


“You know something? If you two weren’t freshmen, I would totally tap you both.”—Incredibly sketchy remark delivered to me (and Finch[!]) which became more plausible upon learning that she really only is in relationships for the sex

"Tweed—I should tell you something. If you don’t stop now, I’ll have to slap you.”—The coup de grace


[21:47] OF#14: and y wasn't i driving? i'm the one who can drive lol”—In response to learning of my RS drunk driving dream in which myself, RS, OF#12 & 13 were in a car driven by RS who killed us all by crashing into a garage (because she was drunk, of course)

Appendix F: The Songs

Some time ago (Intro to Tech 2nd semester freshman year), I saw Joey's Songs for the Flames (or whatever) and thought I ought to do something like that. So I did. But it was kinda crap, so I got rid of it. Only now, I figure since I have more variety of music knowledge I can actually do something like that. Unfortunately, since I don't remember much about some OFs, and also due to the large similarity between most of them, they can't all get songs.


Follow You Home (Nickelback)


You Know My Name (Chris Cornell)


Firefly (Breaking Benjamin)


Wouldn't It Be Nice (Beach Boys)


Another Star (Stevie Wonder)


Endless Sacrifice (Dream Theater)


Committed '98 (Unsane)


War Inside My Head (Dream Theater)


Losing Time (Dream Theater)


Beautiful Day (U2)

Appendix G: 3.5 Years Later

It's come to my attention that this has sort of been kicking about the internet even after it has long since ceased to be relevant. As much as this may seem like blatant kneejerk past-me-apologism--it is, who are we kidding here. But the point is, three and a half years since the last time I edited this/the last Flame that's in here guttered and winked out, it all seems so pointless...but every so often, when no one is watching, there's still certain pleasure to be derived from kicking back, closing one's eyes, and reliving those halcyon days so long gone by, when there was still so much endless possibility in the world...

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